Turning Tables

Yesterday was a good opportunity to spend time with my sister and catch up on the events of her life. She is two years my junior, married and has had two kids. I asked her how it felt to be a real grown up; paying bills, rearing children and dealing with adult relationship drama. I think it sort of snuck up on her. Ironically, I used to be the one in position to give advice and now she's in uncharted territory of mine.

She's always warning me that the things I want in life, like a husband and kids, are not all that you think they will be, they are usually much, much more (which can be good or bad). We both want kids. 

It's weird to talk about this, but I'm sure I'm not alone in this. She told me that after having my nephew, she wants another baby. Not that he isn't a handful, but she longs for another child. I think it is compounded by the fact that she misses my niece so much. She's been pregnant twice, and has had two births, but now only one baby. Nowadays, every time she sees someone else's baby she stops them and coos over their bundle of joy.

Her experience frightens me to the core. Losing a child ...seemingly to sleep, is a parent's worst fear. It is the most counter-intuitive phenomenon in this world- young death. Death in old age is the last and most defining thing you will ever do even if you have hit the expected milestones, but it's expected. 

Our Hearts Are In Newtown

So many people have been saying that this act is evil incarnate- to kill a child. I can't begin to imagine what the families are suffering. I saw my sister and my cousin grieve the loss of their babies and the depth of that loss is incomparable.

These poor children were shot at close range and the only hope that we could have for them is that they didn't feel much pain, as unlikely as it may seem. The panic and lack of closure for the parents is also incomprehensible. I didn't want to see the truth that my niece was gone, but it was important to see her body so that my eyes could witness what my mind could hardly imagine. These parents cannot even have that shred of certainty right now because of the investigation.

When President Obama said, "They had their whole lives ahead of them," I lost it. That is what lingers with you-the senselessness of the action that took all those milestones from them.

For all those out there grieving, comfort will come, but we will never forget this tragedy.

Here I Go

Looking back on my post "Hindsight", I decided that I need to get back in the game and stop licking my wounds. I went to an amazing used bookstore and bought two GRE prep books at scandalously low prices (one of which still had the online code in tact). I also bought the first book in The Hunger Games series and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Anatomy and Physiology to brush up on my A&P for nursing school.

I think I'm trying to trick myself into being motivated, too. Last night I found myself watching Gilmore Girls, a show that I was obsessed with in high school. I felt a lot like Rory-- a daughter of a single mother struggling to use her intelligence to propel her into the world. In this particular episode, Rory takes time off from Yale because she gets discouraged and humiliated. All I could think was, "Damn. I know that feel." But there is no reason for me to stop now.

I hope to be around for a long time. And looking back, the only thing waiting or stalling ever got me was farther behind. I don't want to look back on my twenties and think, "What a waste." So here I go.

On another note, I'm itching to get another tattoo, maybe as a motivational tool. I never really celebrated my graduation or took the time to think about how hard undergrad really was. I was just glad it was over. I know I sang Florence + The Machine's "Dog Days Are Over" at the top of my lungs until I cried. Maybe there's a lead.

Ocean

Music is another reason I believe in common threads. Sound manipulated and forced into the air emits a pulse from one heart to another. This is just one example of that. This is a true artist. It is a wonder to behold.

Hindsight

Sometimes a song can be the key to a musical lock on an idea for me. I'm listening to "Deep Inside of You" by Third Eye Blind right now. It reeled me back to the butterfly feeling of anticipation and excitement for the future I had in middle school. I think I miss that time because it was before I made all the decisions and missteps that have led me to my current position. I feel like I knew myself better then. And maybe that just comes with the territory of adulthood hindsight.


This weekend my stepbrother is graduating from college. I am so proud of him and how hard he has worked to make this dream come true! But it also makes me think of my own career and my degree which is proving to be more and more worthless as the days progress.

My ultimate goal is to become a certified nurse midwife. After graduating, I looked for jobs in healthcare, but found I could make more money than my previous job at a call center. So I took it. The problem is, I want to go back to school for nursing, but I can't get any more federal loans because I reached the limit for undergrad with my Comm BA. I can get financial aid in a graduate program. So I applied to a sort of bridge program at VCU for an MSN last year and did not get in.

Now I feel stuck and disappointed in myself. The fall after I graduated, I applied to JMU and they basically told me that if I didn't have a bachelor's degree, I would be in a better position. So I feel like I made the wrong choice.

Just another twenty-something trying to find their way. 

Christmastime Is Here

Anyone who knows me is familiar with my Christmas-freak status. I explained to a friend at a party last night that there is a good possibility of elf blood in my lineage. Today was cookie baking day at my grandmother's house-- a tradition that is older than I am.







I made a Christmas playlist featuring The Carpenters, Nat "King" Cole and John Denver and The Muppets. My sister and grandmother were dancing around the kitchen to our favorites and trying to get everyone to join in. This year my nephew, Kingston got to participate. He will be two soon and his first response to the dough was to smash it and then to put flour all over his face!
 

Casting On

I have not published anything since high school and felt the itch to write again. I wrote a two page account of my heritage last week on my typewriter. You'll find that I enjoy the obsolete just for the art and nostalgia of something beautiful and unnecessary.

Before Facebook and Twitter, and even before I had a MySpace page, I had a Xanga page where I would post thoughts, poems, pictures... anything that inspired or provoked me. With the influx of sharing technology from Instgram, Pinterest, etc. I find myself being inspired and provoked a lot more often.


For those of you who aren't familiar with knitting techniques, casting on is the first thing a knitter does to begin a project. Learning the knot and the method takes time and practice. I began knitting in my senior year of college to replace smoking on my breaks during midterm study sessions.

Today, the more I knit the more I want to knit and I find myself comparing knitting principles to life. The most important lesson I've learned from this craft, is that each project, from the simple to the complex, is wrought from one single thread, and thus the name for this blog. No matter the twisting, stitching, cabling, joining or dropping of stitches, they all come back to one common thread. And my goal, with my words in this blog (and my actions in life) is to make something people can connect with and something beautiful.